Counting Down

 Hi. I'm still here. I may not have posted in over a year, but I'm still here. I hope if you're a fellow educator who is reading this, you understand why I haven't put much energy into blogging over the past 18-ish months. I have half a dozen drafts started, but never finished them. Anything requiring school related brain activity outside of school has just been too much. Honestly, I hit a point last year where I was struggling with school related braining while IN school. 

I don't think last year needs any more recapping or analyzation than has already been done, so I'm going to try to start looking ahead and get something (even if it's going to be a rambling, semi-pointless, stream of consciousness, basically should be a first draft but I'm going to publish it anyway blog) posted to kickstart some writing again. 

We've hit that point in the summer where I realize the number of days I have left to do whatever I want (even if that whatever is nap sandwiched by little to nothing) is pretty much down to single digits. But that also means my days to get ready for school are also down to single digits. 

After getting excited and hopeful for last year, I'm trying hard to temper my expectations. I'm looking forward to starting the school year more "normal" than the last two years, but really embracing planning for the shorter term rather than longer. I've never been one to plan my programs for the year over the summer, but that strategy has served me well over the chaos of the last two years. What worked in the fall of 2019 would NOT have worked in the fall of 2021, no matter how much we tried to convince ourselves things were "normal."

COVID is still out there and making itself known. With no mitigation strategies being used, rising numbers, no more COVID days for teachers if we catch it, and many of us in the category of being too young for a second booster while we wait for the newest vaccine to come out, I have a lot of concerns for me, my daughter, and my students. I still haven't decided whether I want to mask or not until I'm able to get my next booster. It feels very much like The Borg right now (resistance is futile). But the number of music subs available is little to none and having to take five days or more off if I get sick is going to be...challenging.

There's also the adventure of my own daughter's school experiences. Last year posed some new issues that I'm hoping will be better this year. Being a teacher and working with your own kid's teachers can really be both a blessing and a curse. It's easy to connect with them and understand their motivations, but hard when you have major philosophically different ideas of school.

So there's my first (rambly and slightly disjointed) post in a loooong time. Here's hoping the new year has me (and all of us really) feeling energized and excited as we get started! Best wishes on the start of a new school year, everyone!

The Best Laid Plans

 When the school year started, I had the best of intentions in sharing my experiences of navigating this school year. And then the school year happened. And my blogging didn't. So here are the Cliff's notes of what has happened since my Week 2 post back in September:

• We went back to school. And it was probably my least favorite teaching experience ever. No instruments. 90-120 minute classes. No technology for students. No books to utilize. No group work (understandably!). Kids in and out for quarantine. Me desperately song and dancing my way through those looooong classes trying to find ways to engage kids. Any time I wasn't at school I was researching movie music and trying to find ways to create a curriculum about it. All that plus the constant worry of getting sick and/or bringing it home to my family...I can't ever remember being so stressed as a teacher.
• While we were in school I wore an N95 mask, a colorful mask overtop, a face shield, and scrubs to save wear and tear on my good school clothes. I also put a big tape line down on the floor to force myself to keep my distance from my students, which I hated but was necessary. The second I came home, all my clothes went into a Rubbermaid tub and I went right to the shower. 
• Gotta say that I didn't hate wearing scrubs though. No worrying about what to wear, super comfy, TONS of pockets!
• Being F2F only lasted about a month before our community numbers rose so high so rapidly that we ended up being back to our remote set up. It was a weird feeling to be so relieved but also so guilty at my relief because it meant things were awful for others. 
• We've been remote since late November. We've used our band time to play instruments, but the number of cameras on has dwindled down to single digits in several classes. I have no idea what most of my kids are doing during our class time. Teaching blank boxes might be safer, but it's depressing and getting harder to stay "On."
• Our first ever Virtual Concert premiered last week! I am so proud of what our kids have accomplished. I was also a little proud of myself for literally learning video editing on the fly to put it together. It was crazy tedious and I don't even want to think of the hours spent on what amounted to an eight minute concert. It was wonderful to hear my kids "playing together" again. The first time I got the audio to line up on a chorale my 7th graders were playing, I burst into tears.

All of that brings us to today. We got the word this week that we're going to start back F2F soon and I'd be lying if that doesn't bring mixed feelings in a big way. Michigan's numbers are back closer to where we were in the fall, but the new variants of the virus are turning out to be even more highly contagious, especially among kids. I get my first vaccine in a couple of days, but my second one won't be until a couple weeks after we're back. And I got lucky because most of my friends and family who are eligible for this round of vaccinations still haven't been able to make appointments due to lack of availability.

And vaccinating teachers is great, BUT THERE ARE STILL KIDS IN THE BUILDING WHO CAN GET SICK TOO! We have NO idea what the long term impacts of this virus will be on kids. And kids who get sick can spread it to family and friends. If the UK is any indication, things may get significantly worse before they get better. 

Our new schedule helps me feel a little better. Classes will be shorter and students will no longer eat lunch in the building which means no more time spent unmasked. Our band PPE came in too which means we can play. Colleagues in other parts of the country have been playing while following safety measures, but again, the more highly contagious variants make me really nervous. What if all our steps aren't enough?

But again, I'd be lying if there's not a little part of me excited make music. By the time we're back at it, it will have been 11 months since the last time we played together. But that excitement feels selfish with all the risks that are out there right now, especially when we are so close to getting the necessary number of people vaccinated and trials for kids have started too. I've been back and forth between anticipation and anxiety more than I can say over the last week. 

So that's where we are right now. This coming week is a short one to kick off the new semester and the week after I'll move my tech back and start prepping for F2F. Maybe I'll even blog about things once we get started instead of waiting several months again. I'm finding out this year that planning more than a week ahead for just about anything is often a futile effort. 

Week 2

So I started this post yesterday (Sunday) and I was feeling fairly OK. But I think that line about feeling guilty about not being more stressed from last week's post came back to bite me.

I may have put on sad music this afternoon and sat alone at my teaching set up in the basement and cried. It was cathartic and I feel like I can think a little now, but Overwhelmed punched me in the gut today.

The morning started with a staff meeting where our superintendent shared that plans are in the works to start phasing in face to face instruction. While I figured this would happen eventually, I was really hoping for sometime later...like after a vaccine. I have all the same concerns I've felt for colleagues from afar, but now they're closing in for me too. Is it safe? For me? For my students? For my family who will inevitably be exposed to anything I come in contact with? For us to see our parents or other family or friends?

Additionally, how will class times be set up and how will I structure them. We are able to use our class time to play right now. It's over Zoom and the students are generally muted, but at least our scheduled time is used to work on instrumental skills. Assuming we will not be allowed to play together in person (which I am OK with from a safety standpoint!!!) when we go back face to face, how to keep things engaging for kids who signed up to play?

And then there's the Mom Guilt. So far I've been just this side of useless for my kid's virtual schooling. We opted to keep her home and do online school, but my husband (who is still working full time from home) has handled everything so far. We're working on setting up times to see some friends who are doing online schooling too, but seeing the Girl Scout troop she should have been a member of this year giggling and skipping off to a spot near our local library was another layer in the constant "are we doing the right thing?" cake.  

All the freaking out about the future aside, the past week wasn't bad. We started doing some playing "together" in Zoom on our Concert Bb and Eb scales. By playing together I mean, they muted themselves (and hopefully!) played along as I played. It was really nice to see my kids with instruments in their hands again and even offer some guidance. It's not fancy but it's helping us get into some kind of playing routine.

I've been doing daily attendance question so that I interact with every kid every day. In a regular class period, I'd never have the time, but with a 90 minute block I can make sure I get to connect with every kid. There are the occasional awkward moments when a there's some lag and I have to get a kid to repeat themselves a few times, but it's nice to have those quick conversations.

Every class also ends with me waving goodbye and letting them sign out. In every class so far, there has been at least one kid who's stuck around like they would at the end of a class to ask a question. Sometimes they just want to share something. Either way, it's been another opportunity to make sure students have a chance to reach out if needed.

Today and tomorrow are about getting students signed into SmartMusic thanks to the support of our community and district and figuring out the best way to utilize it in remote teaching as we see what the next week brings.

Week 1

Borrowing from my friend Joe Guarr, I want to try my best to document whatever ::gestures all around:: this is and will be as we navigate the school year.

First, our district is virtual through the end of September. Will we attempt to return to face to face on October 1? Insert shoulder shrug here. I honestly hope not, because I do not think things are going to get any better as the weather gets less friendly for outdoor activities. I'm really grateful that we not only started virtually, but that we've been given the option to teach from home or school. So many colleagues are not being treated as the professionals they are and it is absolutely infuriating. The idea that teachers need to be babysat to make sure they're "doing their jobs" is asinine. 

But in a weird juxtaposition of feelings, I'm also terribly jealous of colleagues who are getting to see kids and who have even made a some music with them. The logical part of my fully understands that not putting hundreds or even thousands of kids into a building during a pandemic is bad. I also understand that playing instruments together makes things exponentially more dangerous with an airborne virus. But my heart aches for the real connection over virtual and for the cacophonous sounds of middle schoolers making their first sounds (some for the first time in months some for the first time ever). 

I'm also experiencing a weird guilt about the fact I'm not more stressed out. While many of my friends and colleagues are teaching brand new classes and working 27 hours a day to make that happen, I'm teaching the same things I always have. It's very obviously going to look pretty different, but at least I'm not trying to figure out a new subject and/or totally new school while also figuring out how the heck to do it online. Also there's the fact that I still have a job and I'm in a district that supports music and is finding ways to help us safely engage our kids rather than cut it altogether like so many others have. I'm so so grateful, but also feel like I should be doing more.

Alllllll of that aside, it was so nice to see kids this week, even if it was over Zoom. My older students jumped right back in to chatting with each other like we'd never left and are looking forward to playing next week. My beginners were just so enthusiastic about everything it was hard not to be excited right along with them. Even though my icebreakers were a little bumpy due to forgetting about things like lag and working out pacing in this new set up, they were all patient and kind. I really wish more adults could take a page from their book in learning to show grace. 

Cliche as it may be, getting to interact with kids again helped the summer slog of meetings, researching ideas, saving links, and generally freaking out about everything feel much more worth the energy invested. 

Can vs. Should

Discussion of whether or not most states should even be returning to in person schooling aside, let's talk band.

After the preliminary results of the Colorado study came out Monday, there are a lot of brainstorming posts going on to create instrument "masks." But what about the emphasis on the importance of good ventilation when most schools are stuck with aging HVAC systems or don't even have windows? And a lack of ability to distance? And the fact that the study was done with adults with years of experience in playing and singing, not a sixth grader with no control over their instrument?  And even before that came out, there were a lot of discussions of finding whatever ways we can to work around restrictions to play again.

I'll admit it. I've been looking at ways to figure it all out too. I've found different masks (for faces and instruments) that can work with instruments and singing and sent a ton of links to our department chair. I've brainstormed about how we can do small groups if it's allowed. Every part of my soul craves the experience of standing in front of or sitting with musicians and making music together again.

But...

In talking to a good friend this morning, we were discussing ways to have kids play, but kept coming back to "if we have to find a loophole to make it happen, is it right?"

I've been to funerals for students, colleagues, and students' and colleagues' close family members over my twelve years of teaching. Those days have been some of the hardest of my life. Not just my career. My life. And I want no part of potentially causing the need for another.

And deaths aside, we have no idea the long term impacts of the virus. Will it come back around like shingles later on? Ever had shingles? Because that is not something I would wish on anyone. There are plenty of other viruses that stick around and will continue to cause lifelong issues too. Is COVID-19 one of them? We don't know yet.

So to paraphrase that great philosopher, Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) in Jurassic Park, we're so busy figuring out if we can we're not considering if we should.

Being in school in person is going to be risky enough (and I'm in Michigan. I cannot fathom being a teacher in Florida right now and I'm sending you all lots of love). But it feels a lot like tempting what is apparently an angry Universe in 2020 by encouraging our students to participate in an activity that can actively aid in spreading the virus far more than "typical" activity. 

If we have to put a giant bag over an entire clarinet or a Crown Royal bag over a trumpet bell to make it safer, (not safe, just safer) then we shouldn't be playing yet. 

This is not forever. It may feel like it because there's no definable end in sight right now (it didn't have to be this way, but it's what we're stuck with...). But it's not forever. Hopefully things will look different later in the school year and a year from now, hopefully back to school will bring the usual excitement instead of crushing fear and anxiety.

We have to do what's best to help our students and ourselves right now to make it through to when we don't have to plot ways to play and sing and literally risk lives to do it.

That's It?

I've started several posts since school's been out due to COVID-19 and I haven't been able to finish one. I started one when other states started following suit to share my whopping two weeks of "remote learning" experience. I started one as a crash course to Google Classroom for those who found themselves learning it overnight. I started one mourning my inability to do the thing I love in the ways that I find most meaningful.

But today I'm going to finish one because the school year is (minus some professional development next week) finished. Yesterday was our final day of the 2019-2020 school year and saying "goodbye" to Zoom Brady Bunch squares was definitely the most anticlimactic Last Day of School I've ever experienced but also the most welcomed.

I've always enjoyed using Google Classroom to supplement my teaching but when I'm done with this post I will admit that there is going to be a bit of glee as I click the "archive" button for my classes this semester. Band does not work online. Not in the way that inspired me to choose it as a career and not in a way that brings kids in.

There is satisfaction in learning a solo part and it was fun playing duets with myself on Acapella, but what brings me joy in music is making it with other people, whether I'm teaching my middle school students or performing in a local wind ensemble.

I don't know what next school year is going to bring. Every time a new district or organization comes out with a study or proposal for the fall my Facebook and Twitter feed erupt in panic, misery, pessimism, and gloom. The fall is not going to be "normal" but it's also not going to be the same as our final two months this year when we all created an online curriculum overnight. I do however, have faith in my colleagues as we work together to come up with a better way to engage kids safely come fall.

And so, Year 12 unceremoniously wraps up. I'm grateful for my health and the health of my family and now it's time to socially distance from my laptop for a while.

An Abundance of Downtime

So everything is cancelled until further notice and we'll all be spending some a lot more time at home in the coming weeks to slow and prevent the spread of COVID-19. The "abundance of caution," as we've all probably heard from local and national organizations is creating a lot of unplanned downtime for a lot of people, and rightfully so! It's important for everyone to take every precaution we can to protect our family, friends, and communities. These steps are our best options to help medical professionals keep control over a terrifying situation.

I live in Michigan where school has been closed for the next several weeks. Again, I understand why, but the prospect of basically staying home for at least month is a bit daunting.

So I'm coming up with some projects, one of which is asking for suggestions of music by diverse composers.

Last year some additional downtime due to the Polar Vortex found me writing this post which shared this spreadsheet that people kindly added music suggestions on for us to add to the MSBOA State List.

With some unexpected time available once again, I'd love to start gathering literature ideas from my music colleagues outside of Michigan! What is something awesome by a diverse and/or living composer your groups have played recently? Please share titles here.

Are you a teacher in Michigan and an MSBOA member? Sweet! Please fill out the MSBOA form here.

Most importantly, take care of yourselves. Follow CDC guidelines. And wash your hands.